Most of us have operation manuals for how we want other people to behave. They are very detailed and very precise. It’s a “book” of rules and expectations of what is normal, kind, and acceptable behavior for someone else in their interactions with us.
Often, this manual is unspoken, so the other person can’t comply even if they want to.
Relationships can turn into two people just following each other’s manuals. This is the opposite of connection. This is compliance and control at our own expense.
Knowing that we have manuals, and dropping these manuals, is the best first step in any relationship where you might be having friction.
A manual might look like this:
- You should help with the kids more.
- You should support me in my diet.
- You should take out the garbage.
- You should drink less.
- You should want to have sex more often.
- You should work less.
- You shouldn’t look at other women.
- You should talk to me more.
- You should make me happier in our marriage.
- You should be more romantic.
Consider this concept of manuals in the expat life. You create your manual for other people based on your cultural norms and beliefs. Of course people who grew up with different cultural norms will not follow your manual. Holding on to your manual, and expecting others to follow these unwritten rules, will cause you frustration and misunderstanding.
When you drop your manual, your expectations can be boiled down to this: You are an adult. You get to be who you are. I get to decide what I think and feel about it. If you want a good relationship, you will choose good thoughts and feelings.
Notice where your manuals are ruining your relationships.
Pick someone you have a bit of trouble loving and want to improve your relationship with them.
Describe the manual you have for this person. What are your expectations of them? What do you most want them to do, and why? Let yourself go to a perfect world where they do exactly what you want them to do and when you want it. Be specific and allow yourself to be outrageous.
Now think about what you would be thinking and feeling if they did all these things perfectly.
Notice that you can think and feel these things anyway.