Your Internal JUDGE

We all have an internal JUDGE. It compels you to constantly find faults with yourself, others, and your conditions and circumstances. 

Your internal JUDGE tends to exaggerate the negative and assume the worst.

It badgers oneself for past mistakes or current shortcomings.

It focuses on what is wrong with others rather than appreciating the good things about them. It insists a circumstance or outcome is “bad” rather than seeing it as an opportunity.

When you are living abroad surrounded by different language, customs and people, your internal JUDGE can go into overtime feeling the need to categorize every new experience and encounter.

Your internal  JUDGE generates much of your anxiety, stress, anger, disappointment, shame, and guilt. Its self-justifying lie is that without it, you or others would turn into lazy and unambitious beings who would not achieve much. It convinces you it is rational and reasonable and trying to be helpful.

“Without me punishing you for mistakes, you will not learn from them.”

“Without me scaring you about bad future outcomes, you will not work hard to prevent them.”

“Without me JUDGING others, you will lose your objectivity and not protect your self-interest.”

“Without me making you feel bad about negative outcomes, you won’t do anything to change them.”

The most effective strategy for weakening your internal JUDGE is to simply observe and label your JUDGE thoughts or feelings every time you notice them, for example, “My JUDGE says this is a horrible situation.”

One of the JUDGE’S biggest and most destructive lies is, “You will be happy when . . .”

When you examine this lie more closely, you will see that there are actually two lies embedded within it. The first lie is that you can’t be happy with your current circumstances. Much of our unhappiness stems from this lie alone. This lie places a “when” condition on your eventual happiness; it could be when you get promoted, when you raise the kids, when you lose the weight, etc.

The second lie is that the “when” is a moving target rather than a promise to be kept. When you do lose the weight, the JUDGE will allow you a two-minute or two-day celebration before it has convinced you that you can’t be really happy until you also have a vacation home. The “when” gets renegotiated the moment it is about to be reached. Millions of people die every year still waiting to reach the last “when.” This ever-moving target is a key technique the JUDGE uses to ensure your everlasting unhappiness.