Several years ago I felt I had reached rock bottom in my marriage. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is an amazing man who I love dearly. But at that point, all I could see were his shortcomings, and all I could feel was let down. I felt alone, and I actually started to wonder if it wouldn’t be easier on my own. One less person to have to clean up after. My low point came when I saw him do something that he would never do for our family, but he did it willingly for himself and his friends. That was the straw that broke this camel’s back, because I felt like the lowest possible priority in his life.
I found a couple’s counselor and initially started seeing her on my own. After a few sessions she said that I wouldn’t make much progress without asking my husband to come too. So I did, and he agreed. It was an incredibly painful process where we both exposed our pain in the safe space of her office. At one point, she said that I was going to have to find a way to release my resentment, because it was only hurting me. Intellectually I understood what she was saying. My husband wasn’t hurt by my resentment. It was just building up in me and making me miserable, and angry, and hateful. Then I didn’t show up as a very loving wife, which made things frosty at home. But that was all my husband felt from my resentment – frostiness. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting, but he just felt the cold, not the pain. I was the only one drowning in that pain.
While I intellectually understood, I honestly had no idea how to let go of my resentment. Believe it or not, I turned to my old standby, Google. While searching ‘how to let go of resentment,’ I came across a LIFE COACH and her podcast. Initially I just listened to her podcast episode on resentment. I was a complete skeptic, but she made so much sense. I kept on passively listening, and it helped.
Finally I decided to take a leap of faith and pay to get COACHED. I would love to tell you it was great, but I have to admit that it was super painful and I sobbed, and sobbed. But it was so helpful and worthwhile! While I am grateful to the marriage counselor for starting the process and providing a safe space, it was my LIFE COACH who got me to actually do the work to dig myself out of that miserable place I had been in for way too long.
What did I get out of COACHING? I got someone who was completely focused on me for a full hour each week, and I was forced to focus on myself for that hour too. I could tell her anything, and she wouldn’t judge, but she would call me out and not believe my exaggerated ‘stories.’
I wasn’t a very good client, because I fought the process the whole way. I wanted to know what I could do to ‘fix’ my problems. It turns out that trying to ‘fix’ things by actions is just treating the symptoms. You have to dig deeper to get at the real cause. That doesn’t mean that I started talking about my parents and my childhood. No, I had to get in touch with my feelings and thoughts that were causing all that pain and resentment. Who knew that I had been successfully avoiding my own thoughts and feelings for most of my life? It was my coping mechanism. Unfortunately it had also gotten me into the fix I was in.
I got COACHED regularly via video Zoom calls way before COVID-19 made that the new normal. Through COACHING I realized that while I had been blaming my husband for all my pain and feeling resentful that he wasn’t there for me, I was really causing myself all the pain with my thoughts about my husband, our relationship, and him working a lot. By wallowing in my resentment, I wasn’t going out there and living the life I wanted. Sounds horrible, right? But actually it is good news. If I am the one causing my pain, then I can stop it too. I don’t need my husband to change for me to be happy. That is great news, because after all these years of marriage I haven’t even managed to get him to stop leaving dirty socks around the house, so no chance I was going to get him to change.
Having a COACH changed my life because it helped me get a perspective I couldn’t get from being inside my own head and being inside my own life. COACHING helps you work on your life instead of working in it. Here’s the other thing I learned from being COACHED. My thinking default is negative. If I just leave my brain unsupervised, it goes to negativity. I also found out I thought I should be happy all the time. I thought if I’m not happy all the time then something’s terribly wrong with me.
Life isn’t always happy though, and we shouldn’t be happy all the time. We need the contrast to enjoy happiness, otherwise it would lose its value. There was nothing wrong with me. I had just been suppressing my emotions, and substituting feeling with being busy, or dulling it with wine or chocolate. I didn’t allow myself to feel any bad emotions, but that meant that I wasn’t able to feel happy either.
I learned a lot of valuable tools from my COACH. Eventually I decided to get certified as a LIFE COACH so that I could help others. I still COACH myself and get COACHED. Sometimes I can’t see out of my own drama and need a neutral perspective. My brain still goes to negative thoughts, but I can recognize that old pattern and decide consciously if that is the story I want to be telling myself, or not. Often I get COACHED to help myself when I feel stuck and don’t feel like I’m moving towards my goals. My COACH helps me see my obstacles and lets me get out of my own way.
I love turning to my expat friends for support, encouragement and a friendly ear. No COACH will ever replace them. But they can’t give me the same perspective as a LIFE COACH either.
So we need to make sure that we have someone in our life who can COACH us, and COACH our potential and COACH where we trip ourselves up, because if we rely on our own brains, we're never going to get to that point where we could, where having a COACH can help us.
Do you feel like your life should be making you feel happy and fulfilled, but somehow it’s falling short? And instead of appreciating your life and all the greatness in it, do you feel busy, overwhelmed, stuck, or unmotivated? Maybe it’s time for you to try a free trial LIFE COACHING call.
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