The Underappreciated Mom

Talking with several Mothers this month, they mentioned that they did not have a very good Mother’s Day. When I asked why not, I typically got various stories related to feeling as though their husband and children did not make a big enough fuss over them or they did not feel truly APPRECIATED. 

In complete honesty, I realized that over the years, the best Mother’s Days had been when my friends and I had planned something together such as a brunch out together at a restaurant with a large outdoor seating or play area for the kids. I realized that I could relate to what these Mothers were feeling, and therefore some years I had resorted to planning my own celebration, which had turned out to be my favorite.

I got to thinking about why we felt UNDERAPPRECIATED or let down on Mother’s Day instead of feeling celebrated. I think the root cause of feeling UNDERAPPRECIATED is having expectations of how the day should be that are not fulfilled. When we are feeling UNDERAPPRECIATED, we typically act like an emotional toddler throwing a temper tantrum because we aren’t getting what we wanted or expected. One Mother described lashing out verbally at her family and all of them ending up angry and in tears. Another Mother talked about emotionally eating chocolate for days afterwards trying to ‘treat herself’ because she hadn’t felt as though her family had really given her a special treat. The result we create when we throw temper tantrums because we do not feel APPRECIATED, is usually a ruined day that we don’t enjoy and that just makes us feel even less APPRECIATED, and less connected to our family.

What to do about it? Should our expectations change? If we lower our expectations, then we are less likely to feel disappointed. But will we really be happy if our family does little to celebrate us on Mother’s Day? Should we communicate our expectations better? I tried this year starting weeks in advance to remind my family at dinner that Mother’s Day was coming up. Still my husband waited too long, and with Coronavirus restrictions still quite stringent here, nothing was available when he finally tried to get a reservation for brunch.

This brought me back to my favorite Mother’s Day celebrations, the ones I had planned with my friends. By planning them myself, my expectations were fulfilled. I got exactly what I wanted to get. But sometimes we want that, and we don’t want to have to plan it too. We think our family should just know what we want and do it happily for us. 

Really, we are responsible for our own happiness, because happiness comes from our own thoughts that we have about the situations and circumstances around us. Technically our family can’t make us happy, or make us feel APPRECIATED. Only we can do that with the thoughts we are thinking. 

Even when my family does very little for Mother’s Day, I know deep in my heart that they love me and value me. If you are honest with yourself, you know that too. You know that a card will not show you that they love you more, or value you more. 

When you are feeling UNDERAPPRECIATED, I consider it a sign that you have expectations that you are wanting others to fulfill for you in order for you to feel good. Realize that you can choose to just feel good regardless. You can choose to fulfill your own expectations. You can make requests of others to fulfill your expectations, but you can’t really make them do it. You can choose to love and APPRECIATE yourself and others, but others’ actions can not make you feel that way. You can remind yourself that your family really does love you. You can choose to do several of these options at the same time too. All of these options are available to you each day, not just on Mother’s Day, and regardless of the situation or circumstances you find yourself in.