The AVOIDER

Do you try to AVOID difficult and unpleasant tasks and conflicts? Do you AVOID conflict and say yes to things you don’t really desire?

Then like me, you have an AVOIDER inside of you. Some people would call it procrastination, or at least procrastinating on unpleasant tasks.

AVOIDERS often focus on the positive and pleasant aspects of situations, and can even downplay the importance of some real problems and try to deflect others. We tend to think they are good people for trying to spare others’ feelings. They are sometimes described as even-keeled, easy to get along with, and flexible. In many situations, they appoint themselves the role of peacemaker. These characteristics can in fact be seen as positive qualities. 

If there are good attributes to AVOIDING, then what’s the problem? Because those positive qualities are really just lies we tell ourselves. What is AVOIDED doesn’t go away and instead festers, creating a feeling of anxiety about what has been AVOIDED. Denying the conflicts that do exist prevents you from actually working with them and growing from the challenge. Sometimes it even results in suppressing anger and resentment, which will only grow when AVOIDED. When facing cultural conflicts abroad, it can simmer under the surface to the point of an explosion.

Some of the ways we AVOID things we don’t want to do is to try to numb ourselves or tune out with an easy pleasurable distraction like eating, or watching netflix, or scrolling through our social media, or even through comforting routines and habits. Feeling numb to pain is different than knowing how to harvest the wisdom and power of pain. When you think about it, would you really want to numb yourself from life? Does that sound like a good plan?

AVOIDING takes a toll on relationships as well. When you have difficulty saying no, you often resist others through passive-aggressive means rather than directly. Others’ trust level can be reduced because they are not sure what negative information you are withholding. Relationships can be kept superficial through conflict avoidance too.

I hope I have made clear why it is worth the effort to consciously decrease your AVOIDING habits. The most effective strategy for weakening your AVOIDER is to simply observe and label your AVOIDING thoughts or feelings every time you notice them, for instance, “There goes that Spineless Sally again.” You might wonder how this simple act of observing and labeling could possibly have a big impact on you. It does, and here’s why: By its very nature, the AVOIDER does far greater damage when it does its work while hiding under the radar, pretending it is your friend or that it is your true nature. Observing and labeling it blows its cover and discredits its voice.

Once you have observed and labeled regularly, you can even anticipate its voice, and you will be able to intercept and let go of those thoughts easily when they arise.

Pick one thing in your life that’s causing you particularly high distress or AVOIDANCE right now. Try the Three-Gifts technique on it: think of at least three ways the problem could turn into a gift and opportunity at some point in the future.

These three techniques, observing and labeling your AVOIDING thoughts, anticipating and intercepting AVOIDING thoughts, and using the Three-Gifts technique on the situation, can help you weaken these AVOIDING tendencies. The best part is that each time you weaken your AVOIDANCE, you strengthen your ability to learn and grow and deal with these situations.