Lockdown procedures have loosened up where I am living and we are all trying to get used to the new health and safety procedures that seem to be changing regularly.
My daughter is complaining about having to wear a face mask all day at school. Lunch has become her favorite escape as one can’t be expected to eat with a mask on. I am struggling to be around people after five months of self-isolation. I didn’t remember them being so noisy and intrusive. None of us are able to plan as too much uncertainty is in the air to book future vacations, or change jobs.
I should be ecstatic that I am able to go out with very little restrictions and enjoy so many things that I had been yearning for. But I’m not. I have clients that for months have only been allowed outside for an hour every other day. I should be feeling lucky that restrictions have eased here. But I’m not. Why not?
Well, if I take stock of the situation, I think there are several factors at play. First off, I did get sick at the end of March. It could have been so much worse, but it took three to four weeks before I started to feel NORMAL again. Even then, if I had a bad night’s sleep, I would start to feel ill all over again. I began to lower my expectations and my activities and pared them down to only what needed to get done. I got used to doing much less.
Some of my friends in lockdown lost weight, got in shape, cleaned every nook and cranny of their home, redecorated, bought a new wardrobe online, or took an online course. Not me. I slept – a lot.
COVID has become another reason for me to compare myself to others and feel as though I don’t measure up. I didn’t even do the lockdown right! I can’t believe I would use a pandemic as an excuse to beat myself up. I know better.
That’s right, I do know better. I know not to argue with what happened, because it already happened, and no amount of anger, shame or argument will be able to change events that already happened. I know I was supposed to take all the time I needed to recover and recuperate because that is what I needed at the time. I know that I took good care of myself and my family and it’s okay that it didn’t include cleaning out my closets. I know that I actually enjoyed a simpler lifestyle that included picnic lunches with my family. And I know that my friends did what they needed to do as well.
I know that I am grateful for my health and my family. I know that I am grateful I live somewhere where I could walk out the door into the surrounding fields even during self-isolation and enjoy the scenery and the fresh air. Getting away from the hustle I could evaluate what really matters to me. Slowing down and paring down are two things I would like to keep doing. Getting in touch virtually with family and friends on a more regular basis has been another bonus of lockdown. Most importantly, enjoying the journey along the way has become essential – stopping to smell the roses, watching the sun set, and enjoying a meal with my family.
Adjusting to face masks, social distancing, and the new and ever changing safety protocols does not feel NORMAL. Referring to it as the new NORMAL might just help though. Realizing that uncertainty will not be going away anytime soon might lead to acceptance. Allowing myself to feel this ever present anxiety, without resisting the feeling helps me to process it without getting overwhelmed by it. Seems counter-intuitive, yet it’s true. Allowing yourself to feel uneasy and unsure actually helps you get past those feelings. I cannot control whether I will get sick again, whether the school will be forced to go back to virtual learning, whether the government will impose lockdown procedures again so I am not going to worry about it. What needs to happen will happen and I can handle it – I have already done so once.
In the meantime, I plan on enjoying every moment out of my house. You never know when you might be confined to it again. I want to bask in the social opportunities available right now as they may not last for long. I plan on being responsible and doing my part to prevent the spread of the disease, because I long to go back to NORMAL. The new NORMAL is great because it allows me some freedoms while preserving safety protocols. Yet it doesn’t really feel NORMAL. And that’s okay.
I am not writing this to gloat over my clients still living in lockdown situations. I honestly feel for them and am in awe at their resilience. I write this more as a reminder that we don’t suddenly feel better when we get what we want. We still have all those fears, anxiety and uncertainty. We start feeling better when we feel those feelings of anxiety instead of fighting them with anger or distraction. We don’t start feeling better when the situation changes. We start feeling better when we decide we are ready to feel better despite the circumstances.
There is a phrase, “bloom where you are planted.” Our current situation makes me realize just how difficult that can be. It is hard to bloom under restrictive circumstances. But doing the work now to feel those anxious feelings, to examine the thoughts behind those feelings, and to take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions even under these challenging circumstances allows you to blossom.