“I’m Fine.” The Big Lie.

The vast majority of people who when asked, “How are you?” respond by saying, “I’m fine,” are lying.

I have been thinking about this lately, especially because I have COVID again, and feel absolutely awful. I have been feeling scared, angry, sick, and worried that my lungs are never going to recover this time.

And yet, when people ask me how I am, I have to fight against saying, “I´m fine.”

Why do we do this? Why are we not willing to admit that we are human, that we are weak, that we need help, that we are not fine?

The gap between how beautiful life can be and the way it too often is, is heartbreaking. Yet I think we should admit when things are not going well, and stop lying. Or even admit that things are going spectacularly well, instead of saying, “Fine.”

We should start by admitting it to ourselves, and allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling. Scared for me feels like a big pit in my stomach, my hands tend to clench, and I open my eyes really wide and scrunch up those wrinkles on my forehead. Anger for me feels like my insides have been painted red, I get flushed in the face, and I can literally feel my stomach boiling over. What does it feel like for you?

If I pay attention to what I am feeling and allow it, then I can actually calm down a bit instead of overreacting, and think about what is going on. My brain has automatically gone to the worst case scenario, and I have realized that I don’t want to leave my daughter. That is really why I am so scared. And I hate feeling so vulnerable and helpless, so that is why I am feeling so angry. 

Now that I’ve uncovered what is going on, I am just going to sit with it for a while, process, and allow those feelings to completely wash over me for as long as I need. Feeling your emotions strips them of their power and allows you to be in control of your life, as it should be.

If I had chosen the other path, the “I’m fine,” path, I would have been lying to myself, pushing my feelings down and letting them build up. While sometimes that feels like the easier path, it certainly isn’t. Those feelings don’t go away by avoiding them. They build up and manifest in unwanted ways, such as binge eating or drinking, lashing out at others, self-hate, avoiding life in general, shutting out others, or burying yourself in work or exercise or whatever else you convince yourself is a healthy outlet. 

While exercise and getting things done are healthy, overdoing it to avoid your feelings is not. Before you know it, you’ll be feeling stuck, burnt out, lost, or unfulfilled. 

Believe it or not, the easier path is feeling those emotions you don’t really want to feel, and stripping them of their power by not being afraid to experience them. Stop lying to yourself when you are not fine. Once you admit to yourself what you are really feeling, then it is up to you whether you are willing to honestly answer others when they ask, “How are you?”