REINVENTING Yourself

One of the toughest parts for me and many others particularly when they first move abroad, is feeling a complete loss of identity. From the age of 15, I had always worked, until I moved abroad. I struggled for more than a year to find my first job in a foreign country, because the number of jobs that existed when you don’t speak the language were limited, and frankly I didn’t know the unspoken rules for presenting myself and finding a job in that country’s culture. When meeting new people, I didn’t know how to answer that question, “What do you do?” for the first time in my life. I literally felt like a fish out of water, flopping about, struggling to breathe. 

But moving abroad is just one of the motivators for reevaluating your life, and wanting or even needing to REINVENT yourself. Many people have been questioning their current lives through the COVID-19 crisis, lockdown, loss of work, health issues, and isolation. Shifts in your family status are also common reasons for REINVENTING yourself. When I first got married, despite being head over heels in love, I really struggled to adjust to feeling dependent on someone, and having so many of my routines interrupted. Another huge shift came when I had a child overseas. None of my friends had children, and I was so far away from my family, which led to severe feelings of loneliness. I felt the need to create a new support system, and meet new friends with children similar in age. Break-ups and divorce are other examples of situations we face that often have us questioning our identity. Your family affects your ability to create positive change. But it’s important not to blame them for holding you back. Regardless of your situation, the way you live your life is up to you, and you’re in charge of your own happiness. 

Whatever you are facing that has you questioning your identity, REINVENTING yourself every now and then is a great way to make sure you’re learning, growing, and adapting to the changes of life. But changing something in your life, or about yourself can be scary, even when you think you’re changing for the better.

REINVENTING yourself doesn’t have to mean becoming a brand-new person. It could mean you simply create some simple changes in your life that help you become more like the person you want to be.

Our personality, our interests, and our identity are not static. Trying to pigeon hole yourself into an identity from your past and getting stuck in that mind-set that you can never change, will keep you from experiencing growth in the new phase of your life. When I was floundering the most, I found it helpful to think about all the identities within myself, such as woman, daughter, sister, mother, American, expat, teacher, life coach, friend, lover of books, hiker, cook, etc. to remind me that the job I had left behind was not the only way I choose to identify myself. It also helped to recognize some of the identities I had left behind in my life such as smoker, single, fashion show producer, student, department store buyer, procrastinator, salesperson, etc. At some point in my life, all those old identities had fit and truly felt like they were me, but no longer. I had evolved away from those particular identities and developed some new ones, and it was just a natural part of life.

The Mills Longitudinal Study found that women’s personalities shift over time. One of the authors of the study, Ravenna Helson, is quoted as saying, “We have to modify our identities as we go through life. Even at 60, people can resolve to make themselves more the people they would like to become.”

Step back and ask yourself if you’re really living up to your greatest potential. Keep in mind that your greatest potential doesn’t necessarily mean earning the most money, or having the most prestigious job. Perhaps your greatest potential is something you can’t quantify, such as being kind and helpful to others. Make it a habit to check in with yourself on a monthly basis. Consider what habits you want to change or goals you want to set. These questions may help you identify the changes you’d like to create:

• What does the person I want to be look like? Imagine what a healthy or happy person might be doing with their life, and what specific things those people do.
• What are some steps I can start taking right now to become more like that person? That may mean making some changes that feel uncomfortable at first.
• What do I need to give up to reach my goals? Acknowledge what you’d need to leave behind if you REINVENTED yourself into someone new. Sometimes a move abroad has us only focused on, and even suddenly glorifying, what we’ve left behind. Acknowledge that, but also think about what you’d have to give up right now, wherever you are currently living, to reach your goals too.
• How will I know if I’m on the right track? It takes time to create positive change. Identify the signs that will indicate you’re headed in the right direction.

Many women wait until they feel different to become different. But sometimes, changing your behavior first is the key to feeling differently about yourself. 

You don’t always have to plan what you’re going to do next. Just stay flexible and open to new opportunities as they present themselves. If you’re unhappy with the way things are now, take a bold step and try something different. If that doesn’t work, then take another step, and another, etc.

Doing new things can be the key to self-awareness, and it can open doors to help you live a more fulfilling life. That has been one of the most beautiful side-effects of living abroad for me and many others. But the journey there can be just as jarring and uncomfortable as the actual move overseas.

While a shift in scenery, career or life situation might make you happier in the short term, always thinking that something else is going to be better will leave you chronically disappointed. If you have a habit of making bold moves in search of happiness only to find that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, REINVENTING yourself again isn’t going to be a magical solution. You have to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin and how to be happy with what you have before you’ll ever experience true contentment in life.

Changing yourself is difficult. Motivation comes and goes, obstacles always crop up, and old habits die hard. Building mental strength is more of a journey than a destination. There will be times you’ll make mistakes and times when you’ll make bad choices. But there will also be times when you’ll prove to yourself that you’re stronger than you imagined. 

In addition to the questions above that I suggest you ask yourself regularly, some other ways to REINVENT yourself or areas to focus upon while you are in the process of REINVENTION might include: change a habit, get a new job, meet new people, develop a hobby, change something about your appearance, shift your attitude, realign your priorities, learn a new skill or maybe even a new language for your new country.

Let’s review what’s helpful during this process: taking a step back to examine whether you’re living according to your values; identifying changes you want to make to be more like the person you want to become; acknowledging what gets in the way of reinventing yourself; thinking about ways you could use your current skill set to do something different; recognizing how your personality may have changed over time.

What’s not so helpful while you are floundering: getting stuck in a rut that prevents you from doing things differently; assuming the grass is always greener on the other side; refusing to change because it feels too hard; thinking you have to stay the same to be authentic; waiting until you feel like changing before changing your behavior.

REINVENTION is sometimes a necessity for expats. It is always an opportunity for personal growth, which is usually paid for in discomfort. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others for support while you are going through it. That is the one thing that I wish I would have done differently, when I moved overseas all those years ago. Support from friends, other expats, or a life coach can be so helpful as you are going through this process.