PARENTING Abroad

There is so much info out on there on PARENTING, and so little about PARENTING abroad. You’d think those PARENTING gurus surely would have offered more words of wisdom for couples coping with the havoc created by transplanting a child into unfamiliar surroundings, and warned them about the impact this could have on their marriage.

Children require PARENTAL stability to feel secure about their lives. Yet consistency and balance in the PARENTS’ relationship are sorely lacking during and following a move. It’s almost a certainty that the already high levels of stress involved in PARENTING are going to shoot up during relocation and filter through to the marriage.

Expat PARENTS have needs too, but these are usually sidelined in favor of the children’s. PARENTS get preoccupied coping with their children and getting them through the settling-in period. When your child is unable to adjust to their new surroundings, shouting matches develop, worries blossom and PARENTS start doubting their decision to move abroad.

Many women become virtual single PARENTS, with husbands either constantly on the road or always stuck at the office. Other PARENTS, especially those moving to international locations where having a maid is common, worry about raising children with a heightened sense of entitlement. We can easily transfer our stress onto our kids, who may not be feeling exactly secure themselves. These are just some of the ways that tensions build.

When the quarrels begin, remember that no one person is to blame for the circumstance. Criticizing each other, or the company, or the child, often means the partners are not willing to accept their own culpability. Taking some personal responsibility is a good first step towards finding workable scenarios to help everyone carry on as best they can. 

Family dynamics will certainly shift as a result of moving abroad, and that shift will impact your marriage. Your family is experiencing a unique form of shock. The move has precipitated it, but it could have been caused by any other major life change such as illness, divorce or death. 

“Family culture shock is a collective experience,” says Robin Pascoe, author of Culture Shock! A Parent’s Guide. “It is initially about loss of control over new surroundings and then later, over each other’s behavior. As each person struggles with the shock of regaining equilibrium, the traveling family’s culture shock also includes feelings of losing control over the actions and reactions of the other family members. Factor in conditions like constant physical and emotional proximity in the early weeks, and family culture shock can’t help but produce confusing, unsettling interaction.” 

Moving abroad throws families into a flux, and it takes time and considerable patience to allow life to settle down into a new routine. 

Feelings of guilt for moving a child are among the most common stresses. The father feels guilty that his job necessitated a relocation; the mother feels she must be at fault for not saying no to the move and protecting her children from change. 

Guilt creates circles of anger and resentment between partners and the arguments begin. It doesn’t matter what the issues are, the end result is blame being thrown back and forth. Kids are caught right in the middle, and they start to fight back in their own way, acting out or hiding in their bedrooms. 

Your children have often not moved voluntarily, and that goes a long way towards explaining the anger they feel at leaving friends and familiar surroundings. 

The good news is that many expat families have successfully weathered these challenges, even turning them upside down to create a family that is closer thanks to moving abroad. Try some of these ideas if tensions are building.

Research the new location. The more you know about the challenges associated with transition, the better everyone in your family will handle it. 

Keep children in touch, especially if one of you is travelling or away from home a lot. 

Establish new family rituals. Continue your old ones and add in some new ones too. Rituals, religious or cultural, are all about helping people feel a sense of belonging.

Learn to say no to your children. Guilt can make PARENTS give in to things they shouldn’t, so don’t be afraid to say no.

If you’ve come to recognize that your family is in trouble, please take the crucial step of finding help (a coach, counselor or therapist), and the quicker the better.

There’s no denying that the stresses of PARENTING can be magnified when moving abroad. But at the end of the day, when you can take a long-term view, becoming an expat can have a positive impact on your family and your marriage. Many become a tight unit by facing challenges collectively as a family. Often you learn to enjoy each other’s company without relying on outsiders for entertainment. As PARENTS, expats are often more involved in their children’s lives than they would have been if they’d stayed home.