The stresses of the transition to a new country tend to be greater for accompanying SPOUSES than for their employed partners. In some ways you may find your life severely restricted. In other ways, however, you may find you have more freedom than you did at home.
A feeling of control over your own life is important for psychological well-being. If going abroad wasn’t your choice, or if you have little control over your everyday life, this can add to your stress.
You may suffer an identity crisis if you go abroad for your partner’s job, not your own. Identity can be linked strongly to work. As a trailing SPOUSE, you arrive overseas with no immediate function and no reputation.
You may receive less language and cultural training than your employed partner. You are left to your own devices to confront local salespeople, workers, and others with little patience for foreigners making language and cultural mistakes.
While employees gain self-confidence from doing a familiar job well, you may feel like a failure as you struggle to accomplish even a simple, everyday task in a new country.
If you are an at-home SPOUSE, especially with children, you may find yourself thrown into the role of the family shock absorber, making sure that everyone else’s needs are met but neglecting your own.
If the overseas move was your partner’s idea or your partner’s employer, then you may naturally feel dragged along. This is a recipe for resentment and for feeling that you are not in control of your life. Finding a way to get on board with the decision, or to explore other options is helpful for your mental well-being.
The issue of identity is one that must be faced by most expats. Women who felt they were not able to be the kind of person they wanted to be are most likely to have poor adjustments according to an Interchange Institute study.
To examine your own identity challenges, make a list of elements you think defined who you are or were in your old environment. Then try to make a new list for your new environment. Brainstorm ways you could be the kind of person you want to be in your new country. What do you know will be true about you no matter what?
Who you are is not actually determined by anything external. It is not determined by your job or how much money you make or don’t make or what people say about you. Who you are is determined by the decisions you make internally.
Identity is the collection of thoughts you have about yourself and your life. Your identity is not a truth handed to you. It is how you see yourself.
Your circumstances and where you are living now do not determine your identity. When people ask “Who are you?” You can say, “I’m a mother,” but you can also take it to a deeper level. How do you define yourself when you can’t work at your job, when you’re not around your family, etc? How is the value of your life and who you are as a person unchangeable by the circumstances?
For instance, I am someone who loves learning and experiencing new things. I will be that woman no matter where I live, whether I can work or not, and even when my daughter grows up and leaves home. I will always have the power to decide what I believe about myself, no matter the circumstances or where I live.
You get to choose what you want to believe about your future overseas. Nobody really knows what’s going to happen in the future, so what we choose to believe is really just made up. If I have a choice on what I’m going to believe, I’m going to believe the best thing I can and I’m going to live that. Then, if I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
The challenges will make you more of who you are, not less. They will make you stronger, more empathetic. They are not given to us to beat us down and make us smaller. They help us become our future selves. You can always be who you are and who you want to be with whatever circumstance is present for you. Finding your identity in your new country is all about just being certain about who you decide you want to be and then living into that no matter what happens outside of you.
Accompanying SPOUSES can find themselves completely isolated during the day. Start making friends and developing your own social networks. It can be tempting to avoid the strange new environment and just stay home. But making friends is one of the most important contributors to successful adjustment among accompanying SPOUSES.
Look for something worthwhile that will give you a reason to get up in the morning. Some options are jobs, nontraditional work opportunities, unpaid work and self-enrichment.
Go easy on yourself. It’s not true that you are doing nothing. You are learning intensively about a foreign country. If you find yourself supporting everyone else but neglecting your own needs, then it’s time to make changes. This is your life too. Besides, if you are frustrated and depressed, your SPOUSE and family will suffer along with you. Try to do something good for yourself every day.
Thrust into a strange environment, you may have no one to depend on except each other as a couple. If you can communicate well, support each other, and face the challenges and adventures as a team, you may find yourselves growing closer than ever before.
Moving abroad will definitely not solve preexisting problems in a relationship. You are likely to have different experiences during the transition that sometimes lead to resentment and blame. There may be a changing balance in your relationship that may leave one of you feeling uncomfortably dependent. You may find new routines and distractions that might have you spending less time together. Some overseas jobs require extensive travel and overtime that will lead to periods of separation.
Practice constructive communication to help get through the tough times. Build a support network quickly. Place a priority on togetherness in your new routines. Use the power of shared adventure to connect. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
If you would like to continue this work with me, then schedule a free trial coaching session.
If you want to stop focusing on what you’ve given up and start creating the life you want abroad, then contact me now.
Do you find yourself questioning your decision to move abroad? Do you want to start feeling better now?
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