Many of us expats are looking for a checklist for how to solve our challenges overseas. It turns out that trying to ‘fix’ things by ACTIONS or completing checklists is just treating the symptoms. You have to dig deeper to get at the real cause. That doesn’t mean you have to start talking about your parents and your childhood. No, I am talking about getting in touch with your feelings and thoughts that are causing all that pain and frustration.
The events and circumstances that occur in your life are neutral, regardless of whether they happen today or in your past. I’ve written about neutral circumstances before. How we interpret our circumstances and the thoughts we choose to have about those circumstances will determine how we feel about events. Our feelings will create the ACTIONS we take.
If we choose to make a circumstance mean that things are going really wrong, then we will generate feelings of despair and in turn that feeling of despair will drive the ACTIONS we take. When you are feeling despair, what kind of ACTIONS do you take? When I feel despair, I typically feel sorry for myself, hide away, wallow in inaction, and often drown my sorrows in chocolate and wine. Those types of ACTIONS are not going to help me create the life I want.
On the other hand if we make the circumstance mean something neutral, or even greet it as a good personal growth opportunity, then we will generate feelings of calm, growth, or purposefulness. When you are feeling calm, what kind of ACTIONS do you take? When you are feeling purposeful, what kind of ACTIONS do you take? When I feel calm, I tend to carefully consider my next steps and then take those planned steps. When I feel purposeful, I plan with intention and carry out those plans with confidence. Our results will be very different when faced with the same circumstances when we choose neutral or positive thoughts that generate emotions that drive next steps from a good place, which will in turn generate more useful results in life.
I am not saying to throw out your checklists. I am suggesting before you dive into ACTIONS in an attempt to make your situation better so that you can feel better, you should take the time to see what thoughts you have about that situation first. Take the time to consider what thoughts you could choose instead that will already have you feeling better. Then decide from that good place what ACTIONS you want to take and do it. You will generate amazing results and feel good while you are doing it.
We were taught to work hard, be successful and then you’ll be happy. That is why our brains immediately want us to jump in and take ACTION to make our situation better. Research shows that it works the other way around. When we are happier and more positive, we become more successful.
The thoughts and feelings you have will likely drive you to inaction, to spin in a circle, to take self-sabotaging ACTION, or take productive ACTION. Spend some time thinking about what you tend to do when you are thinking or feeling a certain way. For instance, when I am feeling despair or fear, I tend to go into inaction hoping that hibernation will make my problem just go away. When I am dreading making a decision because I am afraid of making a wrong decision, then I usually spin in circles searching for answers on the internet for hours or find other ways to procrastinate. When I am feeling unsure of myself or even incompetent that is when I really sabotage my own efforts, taking the exact opposite actions than what I know I should be taking, almost in self-defiance. When I am feeling capable, confident or adventurous then I tend to make the most of the situation and feel pleased with myself and my results.
Once you realize the power your own thoughts are having in your life, then you can start to choose the thoughts that will drive your desired emotions and ACTIONS.
Of course that requires that you get in touch with your own thoughts and feelings. Some of us have been successfully avoiding our own thoughts and feelings for most of our life. It is a coping mechanism we learn as children.
We think if we are not happy all the time then something’s terribly wrong with us. Life isn’t always happy though, and we shouldn’t be happy all the time. We need the contrast to enjoy happiness, otherwise it would lose its value.
There is nothing wrong with us. Some of us have just been suppressing our emotions, and substituting feeling with being busy, or dulling it with wine or chocolate. These tactics keep us from feeling bad emotions, but they will also keep us from feeling happy.
Try choosing a useful thought today with intention, notice how it makes you feel, and then take ACTION. See what amazing results you can achieve. Then wake up tomorrow and consciously choose to do it again. No matter what life throws your way.
If you would like to continue this work with me, then schedule a free trial coaching session.
If you want to stop focusing on what you’ve given up and start loving your life abroad, then contact me now.
Do you find yourself questioning your decision to move abroad? Do you want to start feeling better now?
If so, then you need to take advantage of this exclusive opportunity to work with me, your Certified Life Coach and fellow expat.
Can’t wait to work with you.
I was looking at some of your articles on this site and I conceive this site is really informative ! Keep on posting . Alexi Graehme Tristam
Thanks! Let me know if you have specific expat problems that you would like me to focus on.