I gave birth to my daughter in a foreign country. The care was wonderful and the view was even better. I’ll admit I was scared to go home with the baby. My husband picked us up after work on a Friday. We thought we were prepared. By the second day, I had to send my husband out to buy more clothes for the baby as the diapers did not seem to be containing the toxic poos. He bought all blue clothes for our baby girl. I worried I was traumatizing her, but the need for clean clothes won out.
Monday my husband went back to work and I found myself all alone with the baby, having no idea what to do with myself or her. And so I found myself most days, alone with the baby. I wish I could go back and have a talk with myself. I would tell myself to enjoy the moments, make time for myself, and not to worry so much. I was so grateful for the opportunity to become a mother, and grateful that my daughter was healthy.
But I couldn’t really experience JOY in the moment because I was so worried I wasn’t doing it right.
My brain was constantly judging me, finding fault and worrying that I would be the cause of lifelong therapy for my daughter later in life.
While having a baby should have been a long awaited JOYFUL event for me, JOY is not external and can only come from within us. It is a constant practice that comes from a relationship with ourselves and our mind. JOY is produced by what you think. Our feeling of JOY comes from what is going on in our minds, what we believe about the world, about ourselves.
I was so worried that there was a right way to do things that I stole my own JOY in the moment. When I was feeling lonely, exhausted, and lost, I would push those feelings away and try to force myself to be happy because I thought that was what was expected. Basically I wasn’t letting myself feel the ups of JOY, nor the downs. I was numbing myself and my feelings. Sometimes I just didn’t let myself feel, other times I numbed myself with watching TV, cooking, eating chocolate, or a glass of wine. None of which actually made me feel better, it just helped me to feel less.
JOY never leaves you with a hangover, a negative consequence or feeling sick to your stomach. Think about how you can create more JOY so you won’t need as many pleasure-seeking activities that bring negative consequences.
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