The biggest struggle in my new life as an expat was that for the first time, I did not have a job. There was little structure to my days and no way for me to meet people.
On top of that, I had just gotten married, and moved overseas to a country where I didn’t speak the language. I found that the most earth shattering thing for my IDENTITY though was not working.
Many people become expats in the same way as I did, as what people call, a trailing spouse. That can really add to one’s IDENTITY issues. According to research by the Permits Foundation, only 35% of wives work after moving to another country because of their partner’s assignment. Although their household income may increase significantly, many women are not excited about the idea of being just a homemaker. For many of us, our career is an integral part of our IDENTITY. Moving abroad as an expat partner can put our career on pause. Many trailing spouses have difficulties finding and maintaining meaningful work or other sense of their life being worthwhile.
When I think back now on that first year abroad, I feel so differently in hindsight. Now I realize how lucky I was to not be working, how I had so much time to focus on myself and getting my bearings overseas. I had the time to learn the language, to explore my new city, and get to know myself better. What if we could look at this time as the greatest self-discovery gift, instead of the biggest sacrifice? What if we thought “this is exactly what I should be doing right now, in exactly this place?” How would that change our current reality?
If we thought of ourselves as a cutting edge explorer assigned to an exciting destination, would we find more joy living abroad? Would we be able to drop the resentment of leaving our old lives behind? Would we be able to nurture a sense of fulfillment by exploring and discovering all that is new in this new location?
I think the way to increase your self-esteem and address IDENTITY issues, is not necessarily to get a job, but to change the way you think about not working. Realize that not having a job is not negative. It’s actually a neutral factual situation. That fact doesn’t have to change for you to be happy. Only your thoughts can drive your happiness. So try changing the way you think about not working, for instance thinking of yourself as a cutting edge explorer.
Look for ways to create a new IDENTITY outside of your career. What other successes can you pull from? Are you a good tennis player, good mother, avid reader? What values are important to you, and how could you spend more of your time now pursuing those values? Changing your mindset is far more important to your IDENTITY and your happiness than finding a job. It’s like the difference between calling yourself unemployed, versus calling yourself an explorer.
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If you want to stop focusing on what you’ve given up and start loving your life abroad, then contact me now.
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