When I first moved overseas I found myself not working for the first time in my life. I felt completely out of my depth. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t know anyone besides my new husband. I didn’t speak the language. I didn’t even know what to do with myself during the day when my husband was at work. While all of this felt so uncomfortable, I also realized that for the first time maybe ever, I had a lot of time on my hands. And that was kind of exciting.
I spent some time thinking about what to do with myself; what to do with my time. First I thought about what I wanted, and why. I listed as many things I could think of that I wanted, from little things like finding a Mexican restaurant that serves margaritas, to big goals like a family, to things I already had like a loving relationship with my husband. I made a list of everything I wanted to do. Big dreams. Little tasks. Crazy ideas. Hidden desires. I filled up a whole page. From that list I grouped and prioritized, and came up with my main priorities or GOALS.
I realized that my top priorities were experiencing and learning new things, and feeling like I was contributing in a meaningful way to the world and to my marriage. From these priorities, I set myself a few GOALS to work on. My first GOAL was to learn German so that I could communicate with others, stretch my brain, and understand my husband better. My second GOAL was to get to know Berlin; its rich history, its cultural offerings; its varied neighborhoods. My third GOAL was to learn to cook as it was something new to learn and I wanted to contribute as much as I could to my marriage. My fourth GOAL was to research job opportunities in my new city. My last GOAL was to use my time to improve my health, fitness, and my mind to be the woman I wanted to be. Then I went about aligning my time with my GOALS so that each day I would spend most of my time working towards one or more of my GOALS.
Why set yourself GOALS? GOALS really give you direction. They create a deliberate focus for your brain. Without focus, our brain is like an unsupervised child that often goes to thoughts that hurt, that are detrimental, or that don’t serve us. If we’re focused on a GOAL or something we want to achieve, deliberately concentrating tells the brain what to do by providing it with structure and supervision. I found this was a great way to combat the intense feelings of loss I was having over leaving behind my family, my friends, and my job.
You can predict where you’re going to be in your life by what you’re telling your brain to think about. Results don’t just happen to you. GOALS are a way of deciding what you want the results to be instead of just moving along haphazardly and letting your brian decide without any intent.
Do you dream? Do you even allow yourself to want? Do you think about the future? Do you plan what you want to create? People stop dreaming because they don’t want to think about what they want versus what they have. Thinking about the future was a great way to get me to stop focusing on my past, and what I left behind.
First write down your 25 wants including objects, feelings, things you want that you already have, big dreams, crazy ideas, etc. From one of them, write down a very specific GOAL. Now, here’s your warning. As soon as you allow yourself to want – fear, doubt and shame will come up. This doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong. This is a normal part of the process. If negative emotions don’t come up, it probably means that you’re not pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone.
Write down all the doubtful thoughts and know that they’re supposed to be there. Then try to address those thoughts as if you had already reached your GOAL. That’s a powerful process. Now you’re ready to write your action plan. Write down each obstacle to achieving your GOAL, and then for each obstacle, write a specific strategy. Those are the specifics as to how you will achieve your GOAL.
In this process, whether you ultimately achieve your GOAL or not, you will become a more clear, clean, in touch, evolved version of yourself because you will face yourself as you push outside of your comfort zone. There’s nothing you genuinely want that you can’t have.
In my first year overseas in Berlin, I didn’t find a job, or become fluent in German. But I did change my thoughts from pining over what I left behind, to dreaming about what I wanted to create in my new married life overseas. I experienced and learned so many new things – German, history, cooking, reading a number of classic novels that had always been on my to do list, walking all over Berlin, taking good care of my body and mind, and creating a solid foundation for my marriage. I developed new interests, went to new places, and met new people. I grew so much more as a person than I can imagine having done in years in my home country.
The point of GOALS is not so much to “get there,” but rather to push yourself to bloom in a bigger way along the path to your GOAL. It’s a win-win. Focusing your brain on a GOAL is also an amazingly productive way to counter homesickness and start to love your new life. Depending on your GOAL, you might find yourself developing amazing new interests like I did.
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